Confessions of a Procrastinator

I need to confess. I need to get it out. I need to tell you something.
While reading a talk for my Eternal Family course, I, yet again, was admonished by the Man upstairs. Sometimes I feel it's not my fault that I'm not perfect, but the Spirit tells me time and time again that I am not even trying to become perfect at trying. It felt like a slap in the face, but in a good way. This admonition, of sorts, woke me up; this rude awakening opened my eyes to a greater understanding of my purpose for living.

Inconsistency. 
Procrastination.
Insincerity. 

What do these three words have in common? Negative impact. I've been implementing these three words into my everyday life without even knowing it. I've become lax in scripture reading, prayer, church going; I've conditioned myself to think of it as the norm and therefore, these things do not take precedence in my mind. Every day, we say our prayers, but I feel that they have become insincere, meaning that what comes out of my mouth is not heartfelt, they're just words. When I read my scriptures for class, I think of the assignment as another thing to do rather than an opportunity to strengthen my faith in Christ. In fact, I don't remember the last time I picked up my scriptures just to read them, or to find answers. My thoughts about church have shifted in the last few months to cause me to contend with myself about attending meetings other than sacrament because I don't feel welcome instead of thinking about the lessons that might help me overcome this particular trial.

Inside, I want to scream at myself and demand an answer to the question: "What happened to you?"

Here I am, a returned missionary, married in the temple, going spiritually less-active and, as my mom put it on the phone yesterday, leading myself towards complete inactivity. I feel like I've stepped into quicksand. If I don't find my way out of this rut soon, I fear it'll be too late. Life is too short to waste it away sitting in a ditch of destruction. Get me out of here!

There is an evident disconnection from God I've noticed in recent weeks. While I love the gospel and I share it all the time, I am not living it. Am I committing grievous sins? Absolutely not. Am I leading myself away from the Kingdom of God? Absolutely. I'm not trying. I'm not living up to my covenants. I'm not doing enough to try to be a better disciple of Christ. This will be my downfall if I don't get with it.

Tears fill my eyes as I think about what my life has become, as I reflect on the seemingly small choices that have had an utterly negative impact on where I stand at this moment. It stops today. I'm taking my life back and giving it to God. Procrastination, although I'm a master at it, is done. I can't do it anymore. I can't continue to tread on a path of inconsistency and insincerity as I ponder the position of my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Not for one second do I find value in the insecurity of my foundation. I found a crack, and I need to mend it through picking up my scriptures, falling on my knees and pleading with the Lord every day instead of becoming rote, and choosing to go to every church meeting each Sabbath day for the right reasons--and not only going, but going because I want to be there to strengthen my testimony.

I know God lives. I know that He sent His Son to suffer, bleed and die for all of us so we can pick ourselves up; He can pick us up. We do not travel the winding road of life alone, for He is with us every step of the way if we will let Him in. I realize I've closed Him off unintentionally. I know that if we will become aware of our weaknesses, the Lord will make them into strengths, and these trials we go through truly are for our good. I know Jesus is the Christ. I know He loves me and because of His infinite sacrifice, we can find peace in our afflictions and, in addition, second chances in our shortcomings.

If you are struggling as I have struggled, wear out your jeans a little by getting down on your knees and asking God for help and forgiveness. I promise you will find it. I know I will because I know God is there and His love is unconditional.