The Gift of Love

That's a wrap! Cheesy joke, but honestly, I cannot believe that another Christmas has already passed. Where is the time going?

I'll confess that I was more than spoiled this year. Having two families makes for an explosion of surprises under the tree. However, what I found most exhilarating about this Christmas season, although (and I'll be honest) I was super excited to open gifts, I was more focused on giving. 

My husband has been obsessed with plants lately. On our windowsill in our teeny kitchen are sitting three rock-and-seed filled glasses, which from my perspective make the kitchen less attractive. Being the perfectionist that I am--okay, more like have become because I wasn't always this way!--I decided to seek out a gift that looks more organized and suited for indoor gardening. I found the perfect gift within the budget Corey and I had set for ourselves. I couldn't wait to see his face on Christmas morning. It was killing me! 

Never in my life have I been so apt to give, let alone be elated about it.

As he ripped apart the ninety-nine cent wrapping paper, I saw the joy spread across Corey's face while the corners of my mouth nearly reached my ears. My cheeks quickly went numb from all the smiling and as they did, a thought entered my mind: is this how God felt when He sent His Son?

Innumerable are the blessings that God has given His children. To name a few, He's given us the gift of life, families, and Jesus Christ to give us the gospel and a way to find everlasting life.
I got excited over an indoor gardening system for my husband. There is no possible way that God has not been smiling ear to ear when He sees one of His dear children embracing one of His magnificent blessings.
I can only imagine the extent of God's joy when He sees a child embrace the gospel that His Son provided for us. The gospel of Jesus Christ is, by far, the greatest blessing that God has equipped us with, and the moment an individual decides that it's time to live it, I'm sure the Lord's heart bursts.
Lately, I've been pondering my conversion to the gospel. I remember distinctly five years ago, shortly after my sixteenth birthday, when I decided to turn away from the devious life I had led and turn towards the Savior. I knew that what I had been doing was wrong, but I was afraid to admit it because it was more fun than living what some might call the "Molly Mormon lifestyle". Finally, the two years of built up guilt consumed me. I knelt at my bedside and I pleaded with God to ease the burden and I promised to give my life to Him. Never in my life have I felt peace the way I felt it that Sunday evening. I knew that God loved me.
I decided to confide in my mom and tell her about my troubles. Honestly, I thought she'd be livid knowing the mistakes I'd made, but instead, she hugged me and cried. As she embraced me, I felt a fraction of what God must have felt for me in that moment.
Had Jesus Christ not volunteered to perform the Atonement for us, I would not have learned what I did that night. I wouldn't understand love to the least degree, nor would I understand God. If it weren't for the Savior, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have the truth--actually, none of us would. The future of our souls is solely dependent on the infinite sacrifice of God's Only Begotten Son. Because of Him, we have the truth. Because of Him, we can be saved. Because of Him, we can find everlasting peace and joy in the comfort of the arms of God. Because of Him, we can be eternally sealed to our beloved families. Because of Him, we can have everything.
As we ring in the new year in a few short days, as we make resolutions, remember that it is by the mercy of the Atonement that we are granted second chances when we've fallen short. If that isn't one of the greatest gifts of love, then I don't know what is!

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16)

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Confessions of a Procrastinator

I need to confess. I need to get it out. I need to tell you something.
While reading a talk for my Eternal Family course, I, yet again, was admonished by the Man upstairs. Sometimes I feel it's not my fault that I'm not perfect, but the Spirit tells me time and time again that I am not even trying to become perfect at trying. It felt like a slap in the face, but in a good way. This admonition, of sorts, woke me up; this rude awakening opened my eyes to a greater understanding of my purpose for living.

Inconsistency. 
Procrastination.
Insincerity. 

What do these three words have in common? Negative impact. I've been implementing these three words into my everyday life without even knowing it. I've become lax in scripture reading, prayer, church going; I've conditioned myself to think of it as the norm and therefore, these things do not take precedence in my mind. Every day, we say our prayers, but I feel that they have become insincere, meaning that what comes out of my mouth is not heartfelt, they're just words. When I read my scriptures for class, I think of the assignment as another thing to do rather than an opportunity to strengthen my faith in Christ. In fact, I don't remember the last time I picked up my scriptures just to read them, or to find answers. My thoughts about church have shifted in the last few months to cause me to contend with myself about attending meetings other than sacrament because I don't feel welcome instead of thinking about the lessons that might help me overcome this particular trial.

Inside, I want to scream at myself and demand an answer to the question: "What happened to you?"

Here I am, a returned missionary, married in the temple, going spiritually less-active and, as my mom put it on the phone yesterday, leading myself towards complete inactivity. I feel like I've stepped into quicksand. If I don't find my way out of this rut soon, I fear it'll be too late. Life is too short to waste it away sitting in a ditch of destruction. Get me out of here!

There is an evident disconnection from God I've noticed in recent weeks. While I love the gospel and I share it all the time, I am not living it. Am I committing grievous sins? Absolutely not. Am I leading myself away from the Kingdom of God? Absolutely. I'm not trying. I'm not living up to my covenants. I'm not doing enough to try to be a better disciple of Christ. This will be my downfall if I don't get with it.

Tears fill my eyes as I think about what my life has become, as I reflect on the seemingly small choices that have had an utterly negative impact on where I stand at this moment. It stops today. I'm taking my life back and giving it to God. Procrastination, although I'm a master at it, is done. I can't do it anymore. I can't continue to tread on a path of inconsistency and insincerity as I ponder the position of my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Not for one second do I find value in the insecurity of my foundation. I found a crack, and I need to mend it through picking up my scriptures, falling on my knees and pleading with the Lord every day instead of becoming rote, and choosing to go to every church meeting each Sabbath day for the right reasons--and not only going, but going because I want to be there to strengthen my testimony.

I know God lives. I know that He sent His Son to suffer, bleed and die for all of us so we can pick ourselves up; He can pick us up. We do not travel the winding road of life alone, for He is with us every step of the way if we will let Him in. I realize I've closed Him off unintentionally. I know that if we will become aware of our weaknesses, the Lord will make them into strengths, and these trials we go through truly are for our good. I know Jesus is the Christ. I know He loves me and because of His infinite sacrifice, we can find peace in our afflictions and, in addition, second chances in our shortcomings.

If you are struggling as I have struggled, wear out your jeans a little by getting down on your knees and asking God for help and forgiveness. I promise you will find it. I know I will because I know God is there and His love is unconditional.

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